When conflict arises, are you able to reach a satisfying outcome?
(Q) I have been married to a wonderful woman for
nine years. The only time we run into trouble is when there is a
conflict situation. We argue badly and I always end up feeling hard done
by because she twists what I say and somehow it always ends up being my
fault. Sometimes it is but not always.
(A) Many women are far more articulate than men. Many men have a hard time finding the words to describe their feelings or thoughts and are slow to get them out of their mouths. And in a conflict situation with a woman, they have an added burden of a lack of verbal confidence.
In his book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (HarperCollins), John Gray advocated allowing men to "escape" into their caves during times of conflict. My objection to this is that while it does give men time to gasp for air and lower their adrenaline, there is no-one in the cave to teach them communication skills.
When an argument reaches a stalemate it's usually due to a number of things: you don't agree, you have different opinions about the way an event happened or one person feels they have been unfairly blamed. Because your wife can out-talk you, you're left feeling lost.
There is an alternative to this situation that isn't used as often as I'd like. If what I've just outlined describes you, and you are unable to respond to her because you feel unable to articulate your point of view, why not say so? What about saying, "I have to take a break. I'm too worked up to state clearly what I want to say. I have nothing constructive to bring to this conversation right now. I recognise that the issue isn't resolved and I'll come back to it, but for now I've run out of resources. I'm not being obstinate, I'm feeling inadequate."
Even the most articulate women should have respect for that.
(A) Many women are far more articulate than men. Many men have a hard time finding the words to describe their feelings or thoughts and are slow to get them out of their mouths. And in a conflict situation with a woman, they have an added burden of a lack of verbal confidence.
In his book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (HarperCollins), John Gray advocated allowing men to "escape" into their caves during times of conflict. My objection to this is that while it does give men time to gasp for air and lower their adrenaline, there is no-one in the cave to teach them communication skills.
When an argument reaches a stalemate it's usually due to a number of things: you don't agree, you have different opinions about the way an event happened or one person feels they have been unfairly blamed. Because your wife can out-talk you, you're left feeling lost.
There is an alternative to this situation that isn't used as often as I'd like. If what I've just outlined describes you, and you are unable to respond to her because you feel unable to articulate your point of view, why not say so? What about saying, "I have to take a break. I'm too worked up to state clearly what I want to say. I have nothing constructive to bring to this conversation right now. I recognise that the issue isn't resolved and I'll come back to it, but for now I've run out of resources. I'm not being obstinate, I'm feeling inadequate."
Even the most articulate women should have respect for that.
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